


Remember

by Emariia



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Drabble, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Ending, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-01-22 01:00:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12469972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emariia/pseuds/Emariia
Summary: Connor's obsession with Evan from Connor's point of view.Conner Murphy has had a crush on Evan Hansen since first grade.His crush started when Evan stood up for him, the kid that no one liked. He tried to make friends with Evan, but his friend Jared seemed to hate Conner like all of the other kids in his class. Jared kept Evan away from Conner as much as humanly possible.So Conner watched as Evan drew farther and farther into himself because he was bullied by the other kids. All because he was nice to Conner once.





	1. Chapter 1

  

Conner Murphy has had a crush on Evan Hansen since first grade. 

 

His crush started when Evan stood up for him, the kid that no one liked. He tried to make friends with Evan, but his friend Jared seemed to hate Conner like all of the other kids in his class. Jared kept Evan away from Conner as much as humanly possible. 

 

So Conner watched as Evan drew farther and farther into himself because he was bullied by the other kids. All because he was nice to Conner once. 

 

In second grade, on a day that Evan was home sick, Bobby Maxwell was saying mean things about Evan. Conner was standing next to the teacher’s desk, and Conner just got so  _ mad _ that he had to throw something. The printer was right next to him, so he used all of his strength and shoved it as hard as he could. The printer went flying right as their teacher turned around, and it landed on the floor right in front of her. Conner was actually surprised at how far it went. It had been so heavy that he wasn’t even sure it would have gone off of the little table it was set up on. 

 

His teacher sent him to the office. The whole class had been shaking, and Conner's mom had come to pick him up. Conner was kept at home for a whole week, and Conner felt a little bad about it, but he  _ had _ gotten the kids to stop talking bad about Evan, so it was worth it in his eyes.

 

At least until he returned to the kids being meaner than ever to Evan. 

 

Conner turned mean and violent. He pushed everyone away, because none of them stuck up for him. In his mind, Evan was one of the few people who were inherently good. No matter how much abuse was spewed at him, he never returned it. Something like that should be protected. 

 

So when Conner’s rage overtook him and he shoved Evan, he realized that he could never get close to him in fear of hurting him. 

 

……………

 

When Conner saw the letter titled Dear Evan Hansen, he snatched it up and his eyes flew down the page. He felt something inside of him tear at his sister’s name there, and barely registered the words coming out of his mouth through the continuous drone of  _ not me not me notmenotmenotmenotme- _ that pounded through his head like a fucking bass drum to the symphony of hurt swirling around inside of him. 

 

When Conner reached home, he collapsed onto his bed face down and just  _ breathed. _ He hadn’t been able to look directly at Zoe the whole way home, and probably look at her again without that ugly jealousy swirling up inside of him. 

 

So Conner looked for Evan the next day and apologized for his behavior by signing Evan’s cast. Hopefully, that would put off any bullies. It could go both ways, Conner knew, but Evan was already bullied and a social outcast, so it was more likely that people would leave him more alone. 

 

During the first week, Conner caught Evan getting beat up several times and beat the offenders til they were black and blue and running. After the fourth time, he was frustrated about it and waited at the doors for Evan. Evan smiled tentatively at him and Conner let his lips curl upwards slightly. Evan walked through the halls pressed closely to Conner’s side and Conner made sure to glare at anyone who whispered too loudly. He walked Evan to his first period and shoved a piece of paper towards Evan. 

 

“For if you need help.” He said gruffly. 

 

When Evan opened the paper to see the ten digits, Conner was not prepared for the small genuine smile that slid onto Evan’s face. It did things to his heart, especially when Evan looked up at him through his lashes and said “T-thanks, Conner,” In the warmest fucking voice Conner had ever heard. Conner nodded at him and strode away, fighting down a blush. He got to his first class a second after the bell rang and the teacher looked at him disapprovingly but did nothing. Conner slunk to the back of the class and pulled his hoodie low over his head. When his phone vibrated, he slipped it onto the desk. He couldn’t fight the grin on his face. 

 

‘Hey Conner, it's Evan. Just thought that you’d like my number, too!’

 

Conner pressed a hand to his mouth and tried to get his facial muscles under control. 

 

‘hey there.’

 

Evan texted back almost immediately, and Conner’s day got brighter. He couldn’t stop smiling. 

 

Maybe there was a reason to live after all. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor have a late night Conversation. 
> 
> Connor drives Evan to school

   

Connor laid on his bed holding his phone above his face. It was a week after he and Evan had traded numbers, two hours past midnight, and he had been texting Evan for five hours straight now. He grinned as another message appeared.

 

‘No, But Seriously. I’d pick Bulbasaur over Squirtle and Charmander any day.’

 

‘is this because of your slightly unhealthy obsession w/trees?’

 

‘But Connor, trees are so COOL.’

 

Connor grins wider and drops one hand to cover his eyes. He’d imagined how Evan would look if they’d been next to each other and having a conversation. His cheeks would be slightly flushed and his eyes would be sparkling and he’d be waving his arms in that adorable unconscious way he does whenever he talks about trees-

 

Fuck

 

Connor was in  _ so deep. _

 

‘well, yeah, trees make books, after all,’ 

 

‘Who would have ever thought that Connor Murphy was a book nerd.’

 

‘you say that like it’s a bad thing.’

 

‘Not a bad thing. A surprising thing, sure, but definitely not a bad one.’

 

Connor’s smile just about broke his face. 

 

‘Oh no, I didn’t even realize it was this late. I have a presentation tomorrow!’

 

‘youre gonna be like a zombie, evan.’

 

‘I should really be sleeping.’ 

 

‘ill come pick you up with coffee and doughnuts, if you want’

 

Evan responded with his address and a smiley face. 

 

‘goodnight evan’

 

‘Goodnight, Connor.’

 

Connor plugged his phone in and turned to face the wall. 

 

Fucking Evan Hansen and his beautiful personality. 

 

……………

 

Connor got up at four that morning and stumbled downstairs to make coffee. He barely remembered to grab his phone, and flipping through his contacts, he picked Evan and sent him a ‘goodmorning’. 

 

When the coffee was done, Connor had two black thermoses of hot brown goodness. He tramped upstairs to change and take a quick shower. When he came down, he chugged one and made more, sipping the one he had. He grabbed it, made sure he had his keys, and ran out the door. It was sixish, because Connor really liked his showers, and he drove to Evan’s house to see him standing outside nervously. Connor honked his horn briefly, and Evan was scrambling forward. He stumbled into the seat next to Connor and Connor offered him his own coffee. 

 

“You look like shit,” he said kindly, “It’s black. We’re going by dunking doughnuts, though, so if you want something else-” 

 

“It’s fine,” Evan said quietly with a small smile, “If I have anything too sugary in the morning, I crash super hard. I’d rather not today.” 

 

“We could go by McDonald's, instead,” Connor said, already plotting the course change. “I’ll get you an egg McMuffin or something.” This was the first time Evan had talked to him without stuttering. Connor had a feeling it had to do with him being too sleepy to care about what he said, but he could always hope that t meant Evan was becoming more comfortable with him. 

 

“Oh,” Evan said softly, “I-i left my w-wallet at home.”

 

“It’s fine,” Connor said, dismissively, “I was planning on buying for you, anyway.” 

 

“Y-you d-don’t have to,” Evan said, tentatively, “I’ll be fine.”

 

“I want to,” Connor said, eyeing Evan sideways with a small smile, “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, anyway. And you shouldn’t present on less than two hours of sleep  _  and  _  an empty stomach.” He watched with satisfaction as some of the tension in Evan’s form bled away, and how the twitching hands slowly began to fiddle with each other instead. Connor put his focus back on the road, because he might be a stoner and a goth, but Evan was in the car with him, and he wasn’t high at the moment. He would never forgive himself for hurting Evan. 

 

“Thanks,” Evan said. It was so soft that Connor wasn’t sure he heard it. The small smile on Connor’s face widened to a grin and he nodded. 

  
  


Connor ended up getting a McMuffin and a hash brown for Evan, and A chicken biscuit for himself. Evan ate his breakfast carefully after Connor told him it was okay to eat in the car, sipping on the coffee every now and then in between bites. Evan did manage to eat the whole thing, and Connor was pleased, for some reason. When they got to school, Connor told Evan to take the Coffee with him. 

 

“B-but it’s your thermos Connor,” Evan said, brows furrowed in the most adorable way. 

 

“I wouldn’t have told you to take it if I wasn’t okay with it,” Connor said, teasing while turning off the car, “Besides, it’s not like I’m not going to see you again during lunch.” He stepped out and shut the door, leaning against the hood.

 

“B-but w-what if I lose it?” Evan asked, panicking, “What if-” 

 

“Hey,” Connor interrupted, coming around the car, “It’s just a stupid black thermos. We have a bunch at home. You can even keep it, if you really want,” Connor smiled. “And besides, I care more about you getting the caffeine you need so you don’t crash before your presentation than about you losing the thermos. 

 

Evan looked down, clenching the thermos between two hands before relaxing them and nodding with a small smile. “Ok.” 

 

“Let's get you to class,” Connor said. Evan nodded and fell into place beside Connor. 

 

Evan’s smile didn’t leave as they approached the doors, and Connor’s attention was always half on Evan and half on the path in front of him. Evan looked up at him, and his smile grew wider. When Connor grinned back, Evan ducked his head. Connor chuckled lightly, and everything was right with the world. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BACK OUTTA NOWHERE AND IM GONNA UPDATE, PROBABLY. IF YOU FOLLOW MY HARRY POTTER STUFF GET READY FOR A BARRAGE OF UPDATES, HOPEFULLY

Evan flinched when the teacher called his name in a sharp voice. 

“It is your turn to present,” She said, looking over her glasses at him. 

Evan nodded nervously and took one more sip of coffee from the thermos. He stood on shaky legs as the teacher clicked on his assignment and took deep breaths to try and calm himself down. 

“M-m-my p-pres-” Evan took a deep breath, “M-my presentation,” He spit the word out, “is ab-about th-the importance of trees to the environment,” Evan finished his sentence and exhaled. There were a few snickers from around the classroom and Evan felt himself tensing up. The teacher gave him a nod and he pressed the button that led to the next slide. Evan stopped trying to look out over his classmates and focussed on saying everything he needed to say. 

“T-trees are a really important natural resource, a-arguably the m-most important resource next to w-water,” He said, “A-and several notable environmentalists…”

……………

Evan collapsed into his seat at the end of his presentation, to a smattering of applause. He pressed his face into his arms on the desk and a few tears leaked from the corners of his eyes. He’d done it. It had been stressful and terrible and a nightmare, but he’d gotten through it and now he needed to breathe because having a panic attack in the middle of class right after his first and only successful presentation assignment in high school was not how he wanted this day to go. The teacher finished marking something on her desk and called him outside of the classroom to discuss his grades like she had with all of the other students. Once the door was closed, she sighed gently and turned to look at him. Evan’s eyes dropped to the ground and she sighed again. 

“Evan, you did a very good job today,” She said softly.

Evan’s gaze flew upwards and he stared at her with wide eyes. 

“W-w-wha-” He choked on his breath. 

“Breathe please,” She said gently. Evan gasped in some air and pressed a hand against his chest. “Do you need me to count with you?” Evan shook his head violently and forced himself to breathe slowly and evenly. 

“W-what?” He asked. 

“You did a very good job.” She gave him a smile. “I try and keep an eye out for the kids who need a little more help, but I know that making it obvious will just lead to bullying, or greater bullying in some cases, from your classmates, so I try and keep visible help to a minimum. But you completed your presentation, even though I know it probably terrified you, and I’m very proud of you.” 

Evan was hyperventilating again, and Ms. Haley turned so that she was facing the wall and studied some of the artwork on the opposite wall until Evan had ahold of himself. 

“S-sorry,” He stuttered out,” And she shook her head. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” She smiled again. “Now, I did notice that you brought your bag with you,” She said, and Evan looked down to his shoulders, which did have his bag on them. Evan tried to say sorry again but she cut him off, “-And I know you probably don’t want to go back in there, so why don’t you find a quiet corner to calm down?” She handed him a hall pass to the library and Evan felt a surge of gratitude rise up and crest over him in a wave and he choked again before nodding and scurrying off. 

Evan stepped into the library and let out a deep breath, relaxing. He took two steps forward on still shaky legs and froze when he heard a laugh to his left. Evan saw Jared talking and joking, and a burst of hurt exploded through his body. Evan stumbled forward as fast as he could and ducked behind shelves until he was hidden from view. He paused to collect himself and then crept forward to the beanbag chairs against the wall. He set his backpack to the side and settled into the seat, trying to remember how to be calm, how to breathe. He scrambled for his phone and sent a text to Connor, hoping it was legible, asking him where he was. Connor answered almost immediately. 

physics. where r u?

“Library,” Evan whispered as he wrote it out, hitting send with trembling fingers. 

Evan waited for a reply, and his anxiety ratcheted up with every minute of silence. Four minutes in, he heard soft approaching footsteps. Evan whipped his head around and when his eyes found Connor, he made a soft high pitched sound that had Connor dropping his bag and enveloping Evan in a hug. 

“Breathe, Evan,” Connor whispered softly, “Breathe. You’re safe, I promise.” 

Evan’s breath hitched and he buried his head into Connor’s shoulder, clutching his back with clawed fingers and trying to anchor himself to the real world. 

“It’s okay, I have you. I got you,” Connor whispered, and Evan slowly relaxed, until his arms were looped loosely around Connor’s back. Connor shifted around so that his back was to the wall and Evan pressed closer, shifting into Connor’s lap. Connor’s eyes tightened for a moment and then he relaxed, stroking his arms along Evan’s sides and back, soothing and calming him. 

Evan felt tears pool at the corners of his closed eyes and sniffled. Connor ran gentle hands over his back and murmured soft words to him. Evan snuggled closer and Connor rested his hand on the back of Evan’s neck. Connor’s hand was warm and Evan gave a hiccupy sigh. He relaxed against Connor. Evan hummed softly and felt himself drift off to sleep as gentle fingers carded through his hair and dry lips pressed a light kiss to the top of his head. 

……………

Connor stared at the boy asleep on his lap, afraid to move too much for the fear of waking him up, and more than happy to be a pillow for Evan. He ran his fingers through Evan’s hair one more time and hesitated. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Evan’s head, his heart in his throat. Evan shifted towards him further and Connor leaned back slowly, waiting a few seconds for Evan to settle before sighing softly. 

Fuck he was in deep.


	4. Chapter 4

When Evan woke, he was warm. He snuggled into the warmth around him and rubbed his face against the soft thing in front of his face. He heard a deep rumbling noise and frowned, scrunching up his nose. What was that? His pillows didn’t rumble. 

  
Evan blinked his eyes open blearily and yawned, sighing. He was laying on a shirt? Something warm cupped his face, and tilted his head up.  He blinked again, confused, and looked up. 

 

Connor

 

Evan’s face flushed when he realized he was in Connor’s lap. He could feel his face  _ burning _ , but he couldn’t bring himself to move. 

 

“Hello there,” Connor said softly, running a hand over Evan’s back. 

 

Evan shivered, pressing back into Connor’s touch, burying his face in Connor’s shirt to hide his face. He felt so nice here, and he didn’t want to move,  _ ever. _

 

“Hello,” Evan murmured. 

 

Evan felt Connor’s hands rub against his back and his sides and he shivered again. He shifted, uncomfortable, and pulled away. Connor’s hands flew off of him and hovered around his shoulders. 

 

“Too much?” Connor asked softly. Evan nodded and hesitated for a moment before burying his face back into Connor’s chest. Connor rested his hands gently against Evan’s shoulders, and then looped his arms loosely around Evan’s waist. “Okay?” Connor asked. 

 

Evan nodded again and relaxed, melting into Connor. 

 

Maybe he’d stay here just a little bit longer. 

 

……………

 

Connor brought his wandering mind back to focus when Evan started shifting on his lap. Evan rubbed his face against Connor’s chest and Connor laughed, a warm, happy feeling spreading through his chest. Evan’s nose scrunched and his eyelids fluttered open and shut and Connor slipped his hand under Evan’s chin and lifted it, smiling softly when Evan’s eyes focused on his own. 

 

“Hello there,” 

 

Evan’s face flushed a pretty shade of red and Conner was kind of really enamored with it. Evan pressed back into Connor’s hand, that he hadn’t even realized he was moving, and then ducked to hide his face from Connor’s view. It was the single most adorable thing that Connor had seen in his life, and he felt so incredibly blessed. 

 

“Hello,” Evan said, timidly. His voice was kind of muffled from where he was buried in Connor’s chest, and Connor grinned. He couldn’t help  _ touching _ , when Evan was on his lap, but when he became clearly uncomfortable, Connor stopped and just-

 

Just  _ held  _ him. 

 

Connor leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes, just enjoying having his crush-

 

Oh  _ god  _ his crush-

 

In his freaking  _ lap. _

 

Best day, ever. 

 

……………

 

When the bell for the end of the day rang, Evan slowly uncurled from Connor’s lap. He had his presentation at the end of his 6th period, and he had early release. He usually spent that time in the library working on homework or reading a book, so nothing had really changed besides Connor’s presence. 

 

Although, Connor’s presence had changed  _ everything. _ Evan had never felt as safe as he had when he was in Connor’s arms. 

 

Evan felt his face fill with heat at that thought and shook his head jerkily. Not gonna think about it. What mattered was that he had a new friend, and he didn’t want to fuck it up again. 

 

Evan thought about how warm and comforting and  _ nice _ Connor felt and flushed further. 

 

_ Not thinking about it. _

 

Evan set his backpack to the side and sat next to Connor. He sighed, and cautiously let his head fall on Connor’s shoulder. Connor’s hand rose, almost on reflex, and ran his fingers through Evan’s hair. Evan thought it was soothing, and the gentle fingers helped him to calm down. 

 

“Ready to face the real world again?” Connor asked softly. Evan shrugged, pressing closer. 

 

“I guess,” he replied. Connor’s hand dropped from his hair and Evan stood up. Connor was up a second after him, and they walked out to the parking lot together. Traffic had calmed down, as it’d been almost ten minutes since the bell rang by the time they got to Connor’s car, and they easily pulled out of the school. 

 

Connor pulled up to Evan’s house and he bit his lip as he stared at his house, hesitating in the car with his hand on the door handle. 

 

……………

 

“Evan?” Connor asked, concerned. It almost looked like-

 

Evan whipped his head around to face Connor so fast Connor was afraid he’d break his neck. 

 

“Y-yeah, um,” Evan said, his eyes wide. 

 

“Did you want to get a snack somewhere first?” Connor asked softly. He didn’t want Evan to go, and if Evan didn’t want to go either, why let him?

 

“A-are you s-sure?” Evan asked, his eyebrows drawn together.

 

“Yeah,” Connor said with a smile, “I wouldn’t have asked otherwise.” 

 

“R-right,” Evan said under his breath, “Yeah, o-okay.” He gave Connor a tremulous smile, and Connor turned the car back on. 

 

“Is there anywhere in particular you wanna go?” Connor asked. 

 

“U-um, is um, I-icecream? Okay?” Evan questioned unsurely. 

 

“Yup. That’s perfect. How does A La Mode sound?” Connor asked, “That’s my favorite.”

 

“Sure,” Evan said, and relaxed back into the seat. Connor saw him fiddling with his fingers as Connor pulled away from his house. 

 

Connor eyed him from the side for a moment before focussing on the road again. 

 

Something was bothering Evan, and Connor wanted to know what it was, but Evan needed a distraction right now, and Icecream would do a good job. 

 

But if Evan was being hurt, Connor would raise hell and rain fire and metal baseball bats on anyone who touched a hair on his fluffy head. 

 

He just hoped that Evan didn’t grow to hate him for it. 

**Author's Note:**

> Might make a second Chapter sometime if this gets enough love.


End file.
